


all the love you lost

by reijners



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Backstory, Falling In Love, M/M, Secret Relationship, basically alex’s life growing up, luke and alex past relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-25
Updated: 2020-09-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:46:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26642413
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reijners/pseuds/reijners
Summary: He’s 11 when he realizes.He’s 14 when he feels accepted for the first time.He’s 15 when he is shattered and put back together in the same night.•••alex’s story growing up - realizing his sexuality, telling his parents, and falling in love
Relationships: Alex/Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex/Willie (Julie and The Phantoms), Julie Molina/Luke Patterson
Comments: 5
Kudos: 277





	all the love you lost

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i wanted to write a story on luke and alex’s backstory, because i think they definitely had a past relationship, so here it is! enjoy
> 
> u can find me on twitter @flowerlude (although i may not be on there much right now) and on @butterflywylie

He’s 11 when he realizes.

He’s at a local roller skating rink, wheels pressing onto the ground as he clutches the wall.

_ Couples skating time _ , the speaker announces, and a round of cheers breaks out among the cluster of people in the rink.

Someone taps his shoulder. He turns. It's a pretty dark-haired girl from his school. She’s a sixth grader - one year older than him.

“Wanna skate?” The corners of her mouth turn up.

“But...we’re not a couple.” he points out.

“Not  _ yet _ .” she huffs. “but i think you have a nice face. I want to skate with you. Come on!”

She extends her hand to him, beaming, and he suddenly feels awkward and trapped. “I...i’m sorry. I’m not in the mood.” he chokes out.

She shrugs and glides away. Alex leans back against the wall. He still feels wobbly and unsure with the heavy skates on, but what’s worse is the feeling of dread eating away at his chest.

He sees so many boys his age in the middle of the rink enjoying the couple’s skating time. they’re all clutching onto the hands of girls, and they look happy. Complete.

Alex can’t find it in himself to want that.

He shakes his head. He doesn’t feel much enthusiasm anymore - maybe it’s time to go home. 

He pushes off the wall and skids towards the exit, and then he remembers just how bad of a roller skater he is.

He slams into someone else and they tumble to the ground. Alex's back hits the floor, and pain shoots up all the way to his neck.

He tries to move. His nose brushes with that of the person that he fell into, and all of a sudden, all the agony melts away.

It’s a boy who sits in front of him in math class. The boy who has perfect hair and a perfect smile, the boy whose laugh makes Alex's heart skip beats. 

They lock eyes for a moment. Alex clears his throat. 

“I’m - i’m so sorry about that.”

With that, he regains his balance and skates away.

Before he exits, he takes one last glance at the couples skating together. He watches the boys and girls lingering side by side. Before he can stop himself, he imagines himself doing that - but not with a girl. He imagines himself couple’s skating with...the boy he just bumped into.

An awful, sinking feeling burns inside him. He swallows hard and rushes out the rink.

  
  


____________

  
  


He’s 12 when he hears it.

“So about this man from work...” his dad is saying to his mom in a low, hushed tone, as if he’s spilling confidential information “There are rumors saying that he’s, yknow. one of them.”

His mom’s eyes widen. “no!”

“One of who?” Alex inquires, tilting his head. His parents turn around, exchanging looks before looking back at him with uncertainty.

“One of...you know…” Alex's dad sighs and sinks in the seat next to alex. “People are saying he might be into  _ other men _ .”

Alex's dad goes silent, maybe for dramatic effect. Alex threads his fingers together. “Okay? i don’t see the big deal.”

Alex's mom joins them at the table. “Well, that’s not right, Alex. Men are supposed to be with women. That’s the way it is, and that’s how it always should be.”

Those words hit Alex like a brick. Something like white-hot fear seizes his chest and he feels dizzy. 

“Oh.”

  
  


______

  
  


He’s 13 when he has his first  _ real _ crush.

For a while, he was still stuck on that cute boy from fifth grade math class, the boy he crashed into at the roller skating rink years ago. But that boy moved away recently.

It doesn’t matter, though, because Alex has a newfound fascination with the new kid in their class.

This new boy talks like a character in a comedy show and seems to lack common sense sometimes, but somehow he has Alex captivated.

When the teacher calls himself to the front of the class to introduce himself, he smiles and brushes a wisp of his sand - colored hair away so it doesn’t spill into his wide eyes. He’s beautiful. Charming in a simple way.

“Luke. my name is Luke.”

The teacher tells him to choose a seat, and Luke's eyes float over the classroom. There are plenty of empty seats, but Luke ends up pointing to the one next to Alex.

“Hi.” Luke whispers as he slides into the chair.

A feeling of lightness tugs at Alex's chest.

“Hi.”

  
  


________

  
  


He’s 14 when he feels accepted for the first time.

He and Luke are seated in the empty music room, along with another boy they’ve recently become friends with - Reggie. The three of them are sort of a group now. they’ve bonded through music.

Everyday, after school, they come to the music room together. It’s become a hang out place for them three. There aren’t any other music enthusiasts in the school, so the space is theirs. Sometimes they play different instruments. Sometimes they goof off. Sometimes luke will sing a song and Alex and Reggie will watch mesmerized, Alex probably more than reggie.

Today, though, Luke is leaving against the wall, a huge grin stretching miles across his face.

“You look...happy?” Alex states.

“Well? Are you going to ask why?” Luke asks.

“Wh-”

“Well! now that you’ve asked!” Luke announces. “I've been asked to the Valentine’s dance by a  _ high school _ girl.”

Reggie's mouth falls open. Alex forces a smile onto his face too, although he can’t help but feel disappointment bloom in his chest.

“That’s amazing!” Reggie throws an arm across Luke and punches him in the arm playfully. They both stare at Alex.

“Alex, you don’t look so happy for Luke.” Reggie hisses.

Luke tilts his head. “You seem...disappointed?”

“No! i’m not disappoi-”

“Ahhh, i get it man.” Luke places a hand on Alex's shoulder. “You’re jealous because no girl has ever asked you out.”

“Well…”

“Someday you’ll find a girl, Alex. I guarantee it.” Luke reassures, patting Alex's shoulder gently.

The familiar wave of dread washes over him again, and he feels weak and vulnerable like he does every time someone reminds him that he’s not what everyone expects him to be.

This time, though, he doesn’t want to let the weakness in.

“A boy.” He corrects Luke, the words escaping from his mouth like they’ve been held hostage in there for too long.

Luke blinks slowly, exchanging a look with Reggie wordlessly.

“Huh?”

“You said ‘someday you’ll find a girl. But I....I won’t. Because I’m not - I like - “ Alex pauses for a moment, breathing for a moment so he doesn’t overwhelm himself. “I’ve never been, like, into girls. In a romantic way, I mean. I only feel that way toward other guys.”

He knows that what he just said is something that so many people find outrageous. It’s a big risk, even daring to say those words, because there’s no telling at all what their reactions could be.

Nobody talks. The air feels heavy. Alex braces himself for the worst.

And then he feels arms embracing him.

Luke pulls him into his chest, holding him close. Reggie joins in, throwing his arms around them.

Alex exhales. His panic dissolves.

He’ll be okay.

  
  
  


He’s 15 when he is shattered and put back together in the same night.

He doesn’t know where the sudden nerve came from. They were eating dinner one night, discussing school and life, and Alex’s father began to nudge him with that half-smile. “So, Alex, any girls you’ve had your eyes on lately?”   
  
Alex’s mom giggles and clasps her hands together. Surely this question seems like nothing more than a playful quip, a friendly tease between parents and son, but to Alex, it’s a stinging reminder that he isn’t at all what his parents expect him to be.

The thought of what he really is eats away at him. He’s always felt the urged to let this secret out, despite the risk, because having to keep it in weighs down on him more everyday.

It’s like an animal trapped inside a cage - constantly banging against the walls of his mind, looking for an escape.

The words sit on the edge of his tongue, so clear, so heavy, and in that moment he knows there’s no going back.

“I’m into boys.”

The silence that follows is the most painful thing he’s ever experienced. He waits for his parents to say something, some indication of what they may be thinking, to tear away the suspense seizing his chest.

“Huh?” his dad asks

He knows his dad heard him. He said the words loud and clear. His dad is just giving him a chance to take it back.

Except, he can’t take it back. He can’t retract now.

“I like…” he pauses. “I like boys. In that way. But...not girls.”

His mom’s face turns white, like the color straining out. “Alex, no. No.” she repeats.

His dad stares at him firmly. “You can’t do this.”

“I’m not  _ doing  _ anything! This is who I am!”

“Don’t say that! It’s not who you are. It’s wrong, and you’re better than that.” His mom cries, her voice breaking as if Alex told her some life-changing statement.

Maybe this is a life-changing statement. Maybe things will never be the same after this. Maybe he should tell his parents that he’ll stop and push this part of him down.

But he won’t.

“This is who I am.” he spits out with a flare of courage he didn’t know he had in him. His dad and mom just shake their head in disbelief, as he continues. “And if you can’t accept that, that’s on you. I’m not changing.”

He shuts his eyes and prays that his parents will let him be.

“We don’t condone this.” His dad mutters, voice barely a whisper. “We always said we would love you unconditionally, but this...we don’t know how you could do this to us.”

“You’re awful for this, you know?” he shouts back. All the bottled emotions tucked in the bottom of his heart are spilling out now and he can’t stop. “I thought you guys loved me enough to try to understand this! I thought you guys were good parents.”

“We’re excellent parents. We’ve loved you your whole life. And in return, you pull this? Being something that you know we’re against? If you want to live like this, don’t expect us to stand by and cheer you on.”

Tears prick at his eyes. He forces them away, and then laughs bitterly. “I’m not doing this”

And then he’s out the door.

  
  
  


“Al- Woah! What happened?” Luke’s voice is brimming with warmth and sympathy. A reminder that Alex is cared about. It feels good.

He doesn’t answer. He just crumples into Luke’s arm, sobbing silently. Luke wraps his arms around him tightly, and they stay like that for a while, holding each other on Luke’s doorstep.

“Ready to talk about what happened?” Luke mutters softly. His eyes drift over to Alex.

After Alex’s breakdown at Luke’s front door, Luke let him come in. He’s definitely staying the night. Or maybe the week.

“I told my parents.” it takes him a while to get that sentence out, but when he does, he feels his heart loosen up.

Luke’s eyes widen. “About…”

“Yeah.”

Luke throws an arm around him. “I’m so proud of you. But...I’m guessing they didn’t react well, hm?”

“No.” Alex chuckles miserably. “They kept saying all this shit...that I was wrong and they would never accept me, and…” he trails off. A new round of tears began.

“Hey,” Luke puts a finger under Alex’s chin. “Hey, look at me. Dude, seriously. You are so loved, okay? By so many people. Including me.”

“They just made me feel like...like I was messed up…”

“You’re not. You’re perfect okay, I wouldn’t change a thing about you.”

Silence falls over them. Alex scoots closer. Luke’s eyes flit down.

Alex leans in, their lips just inches apart. And then he closes the gap.

He pulls away within a millisecond, the weight of what he just did hitting him. “I shouldn’t hav-”

Luke presses his mouth against his again. This time, they stay like that for a few seconds, before breaking apart slowly.

They don’t speak much after that. They just lie on Luke’s bed, fingers slightly curled together.

Alex isn’t okay. He isn’t even close. But he has Luke, and that counts for something.

  
  


He’s 16 when Luke ends things.

For months and months, they’ve had this pattern of secret gestures. They kiss sometimes in the moments between moments, they hold hands in the dark in the seconds when no one else is looking, they share eye contact on stage sometimes, their gazes lingering just a little too long.

Alex loves Luke. In a world of uncertainty, he’s certain of that. He’s also certain that Luke loves him too. But Luke has permanent walls built up, and because of that, Alex doesn’t know if Luke could ever be with Alex in the way he wants.

“There’s something I need to talk to you about.” Luke mutters.

They’re sitting outside on an empty bench of a small cafe they just performed at. Reggie is ordering a milkshake, so it’s just them right now.

“If it’s about tonight’s show...I think we did amazing, personally.” Alex laughs. He reaches for Luke’s hand, but Luke shakes his head slowly, pulling his hand away. “I want to talk about...us.” Luke says, his voice lowering.

“O-oh.”

“I love you. You know that.”

“I love you t-”

“But I can’t do...this. I can’t do it anymore,” Luke finishes.

Alex’s heart sinks. “What do you mean?”

“All this secret stuff we do. It’s not that I enjoy it. I do. I like being with you. But I have enough going in my life and all. You know stuff’s been so tense with my parents...this secret relationship just adds so much stress.”

Alex stays silent.

“I’m sorry,” Luke sighs.

It hurts. It really does. But Alex knows what it’s like to feel like your world is falling apart, and he wants to do whatever he can to make sure Luke is okay.

“It’s fine. I get it. You know I’ll always love, anyway.”

  
  
  


He’s 17 when he experiences the last day of his life without knowing it.

“We’re playing the Orpheum tonight.” Luke whispers, his eyes twinkling with that dreamy, faraway glint. They’re walking around the city right now, glasses of lemonade in their hands

“Are you nervous?”

“Course I am.” Luke laughs. “But I have you and Reggie, so I know it’ll all be good. I really love you guys, yknow.”

“Me too.” Alex smiles. “I feel like tonight could open up so much opportunities for our future.”

“For the first time in a while, the future seems promising.” Luke agrees. He pauses, and then adds, “speaking of the future, I was thinking about us.”

“Us?”

“What we used to have.”

“Oh,” Alex whispers, his heartbeat picking up.

“I was thinking...maybe later on, when we’re older...maybe we can try that all again. Maybe we can actually be together.” Luke says. “Maybe I’ll be ready then.”

“Maybe.” Alex smiles, a brilliant future flashing through his mind like a movie playing on high speed.

Except there isn’t a future.

He’s 17 again when he finds himself with his band, standing in front of a girl named Julie Molina.

They’re ghosts. They died 25 years ago. It doesn’t make sense. But then again, nothing has ever made sense in Alex’s world, so he just goes with it.

As the next few weeks action-packed weeks unfold, Alex finds out that everything he thought was impossible is coming true.

The whole ghost thing is hard to get used to, of course. But then - there’s so much more to unpack.

He was wandering the halls of Julie’s school one day, when he sees a poster encouraging students to come to a Pride Club.

_ Show your pride for the LGBT+ COMMUNITY! _ The poster reads, the words outlined in rainbow colors.

He stares at it for what feels like centuries, mesmerized, until it hits him that being who he is, loving who wants to love, is no longer considered blasphemous in this day and age.

He also meets a boy. A boy named Willie, a boy with a charming smile and a need for adventure, a boy who knocks into him while skateboarding. He feels like the small boy he was all those years ago, flustered after tripping over that boy at the roller skating rink.

This time, though, he doesn’t hold back. He lets his heart skip beats when Willie’s hand touches his. He lets himself fall in love.

He isn’t the only one who’s found someone. Luke is clearly smitten by Julie. She makes him smile so wide, his whole face brightens up. 

Alex remembers how once, long ago, he was the one making Luke smile like that. He isn’t jealous or regretful, though. He’s glad that Luke is happy.

When Willie invites them to a club owned by a man named Caleb, Alex is thrilled to spend time with his crush. 

Luke catches onto this.

“You have a crush on Willie!” Luke gasps, right after Willie has walked away from a conversation leaving Alex flustered. Alex freezes. He doesn’t want to hurt Luke. Even though Luke’s found someone knew, it still might be hard for him to accept that his first loved has moved on.

“No, no…” Alex mumbles, trying and failing miserably to play it off.

“Alex.” Luke breathes slowly, his lips lifting into a warm smile. “I’m happy for you.”

His eyes are bright, sparkling, and they convey all the unspoken words that Luke doesn’t say.  _ You found someone that can give you the love you deserve. Something I was never able to do. _

Later that night, they sit outside Julie’s studio. It’s almost midnight. The world is silent.

“Julie was pretty mad that we missed her performance at the dance.” Luke sighs. There’s pain evident in her voice.

“Luke.” Alex touches his hand. “We’ll convince her to give us another chance, okay? It’s gonna be fine.”

“You’re the best, you know that?” Luke lets his head fall on Alex’s shoulder.

“Do you ever wonder what would have happened if we…” Alex’s voice drifts off. There are a million ways to finish that sentence.  _ If we didn’t die, if we became famous, if we gave our relationship another chance… _

“If we what?”

“If things went differently.”

Luke shrugs. “Who knows? Maybe in another timeline, we’d be together right now.” He states it so plainly, but it causes Alex’s head to spin.

“I love you.” Alex bursts out, all of a sudden.

“I love you too.” Luke smiles. “And I’m glad you have a boyfriend now, by the way. You deserve it.”

“He’s not my boyfriend!” Alex pouts. “I do like him a lot, though.” he mutters in defeat. “And I’m happy for you, too. I see how much you like Julie.”

“Maybe we weren’t meant to be. But I’m glad you’re in my life.” Luke says.

“Me too.”

The world is a crazy place. Hearts break. People let go and move on. The impossible is possible. It’s all so much.

Alex never thought he would be able to figure out.

And yet, here he is. Things are far from perfect. 

But he’s okay.

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i wanted to write a story on luke and alex’s backstory, because i think they definitely had a past relationship, so here it is! enjoy
> 
> u can find me on twitter @flowerlude (although i may not be on there much right now) and on @butterflywylie


End file.
